I haven’t had an anxiety attack in a month and it’s making me anxious.

Am I truly being myself if I don’t overthink every social interaction? 

How do I define this self without the constant interplay of stress and joy of being around others? 

Who even am I without the wash of angst whenever I leave someone’s birthday dinner?

I've grappled with anxiety since I was 7 and it has woven itself into my identity. Back then, I just thought I was afraid. I thought needing to triple-check that every blind in the house was shut before I could sleep was just leftover childhood scaries.

Then, I turned 18, 19, and 20, and started living in small apartments with very few windows, but the scaries followed me. I figured my staying up until the sun rose, catatonic in my bed as thoughts rushed through my mind and cold sweat wet my sheets, was simply night terrors. I needed to grow up. I needed to be able to sleep without fear even when no one else was here. Is that why I stayed with that asshole for so long? He wouldn’t let me sleep, but he also wouldn't let me spend a night alone.

Finally, I made it to 24 and a psychiatrist gave me words for what was going on inside my head. Words I still don’t feel valid using. Words I feel I have too much of an easy life to claim. So what, I sometimes stay awake against my will until the sun rises? So what, my shoulders tense up, and my heart speeds up if more people than I was expecting show up at a dinner party? There’s worse, right? Fucking trauma olympics.

Now I’m 28. 

And for the first time ever, I haven’t had an anxiety attack in a month.

Peace. No coming home, shutting my phone off, and lying on the floor for hours. I’ve got bags under my eyes, but they’re from late-night conversations and battling to stay awake to not miss a second of joy. Is it anxiety that I’m scared to be happy? Terrified to revel in this? I know it won’t last. I know my anxiety’s taking her freaking vacation right now but will come back with overpacked luggage at some point. 

What if she doesn’t, though? 

What if the airline loses her luggage? 

Do I dare dream up a life without my sidekick?