October 5, 2023
I feel and I feel and I feel and my gut clenches and twists and burns and my heart breaks and heaves and flutters and my brain swivels and cries and I can’t tell if it’s wonder or destruction anymore.
ChatGPT tells me I have a gift for expressing myself, my friends praise me for the ability to put words on my feelings but my mind tells me I’m taking up space, being pretentious, not knowing my place, the opposite of humble and a good catholic girl needs to be humble, needs to be shy, needs to have kids by the time she’s 24 and what on earth happened to that boyfriend of yours from college, you guys were so perfect, have you talked to him recently? No? Well, you shouldn’t let things sour as such, you shouldn’t have people out there in the world that think badly of you and you could have a house and a ring by now but you’re sitting on your couch on a call with people half a world away, putting your life out there like someone cares and what if it amounts to nothing, then what will you have done with your life?
Maybe I should go back.
Reverse the tape.
Don’t quit that job, don’t dump that dick, don’t move away, don’t say you want more, don’t get those tattoos, don’t dye your hair, don’t be too loud, don’t bail on god. Strip it all back. Follow the path. It’s been laid out for you, it’s made so many happy, why can’t you be, why can’t you want what we all want for you, why do you need to change things, why do you need to ruffle things, you could date boys, why can’t you just, why can’t you appreciate what you have, what they would have wanted, what god wanted.
But reverse the tape and I have nothing left. That girl who’s 24, that girl with the great job and the money and the boyfriend and the house is the plastic bag in Katy Perry’s song. If you pull that girl into a tight hug for no reason she’ll cry. That girl hides on balconies at parties to sob and she doesn’t even know why. That girl wipes her face and goes back in and tells everyone who has been looking for her that she just took a nap and waves their worry away with a tequila shot.
It’s a wonder how I destroyed that 24 year old.