April 4, 2023
We were sharing our latest dating stories over summer drinks, and I nonchalantly mentioned that I had started talking to women on dating apps. I told her “it’s part of my process to question everything in my life this summer” (barf), but added that it wasn't a big deal since “my next significant other could still be a man”. However, I also admitted that I was a bit concerned about how my family would react if I ever told them.
In the end, I downplayed the significance so much that her response was, “It's almost like you’re coming out". In fact, that's exactly what I was doing. Coming out to her that day, to anyone who saw me on those apps that summer, to my brother the week after, and to my friends a month later. And, I suppose, to anyone who didn’t know yet and is reading this.
I carried the pretence of unimportance through all these conversations, gathering varying levels of unaffected and caring responses: from "So do you have a girlfriend? No? Then whatever" to "Cool! I'm not surprised". And I felt so lucky and relieved for the mostly blind acceptance I received.
But if you all accepted how casual this was, if it was such mundane news, why did I wait this long?
Because I had been torturing myself for two decades at this point. My gut twisted with guilt every time I joked that “it would be so much easier if I was gay” after a bad date.
My brain relentlessly told me that I was only trying to be interesting and that if I could date men, I should just focus on them.
I denied myself pleasure by desperately trying to picture the guy on top of me (or a man at the least) instead of my girl crush of the moment.
I kept telling the story of the first boy I drunkenly made out with at 16, rather than that of the meaningful kiss I shared with a girl when I was 10.
It's been a couple of years now, yet I still feel the need to both ensure I am identified correctly and be overly casual about it. I change the subject as quickly as possible once I’ve brought it up, and I will probably rush to publish this then ache to post a new blog as soon as it’s up. However, being out has given me a new sense of self and has gotten rid of many insecurities. And although it has also created new ones (bi erasure, anyone?), nothing outweighs the freedom I felt that summer.